Menunaires and Maxxinistas

Gather round all ye’ cheap sonsabitches! Listen to the mellow sounds of Macklemore’s thrift shop while I wax intellectual about the proper way to go about spending all of your hard earned coin…

Side Note: If you feel the need to say “In My Honest Opinion” or “IMHO” as I’ve seen the kids these days text it. You’re a fuck. You’re the one speaking, I’d hope it’s your opinion and that you’re being honest.

Don’t pay full price for anything. Now before you go out to be that asshole demanding lower prices at Best Buy, wait for me to explain. That statement runs both ways. You shouldn’t overspend for things you don’t need to but you also shouldn’t underspend for things that need to last. Fun fact: “overspend” is a word that most if not all word processing programs recognize, “underspend” however is not. With the advent of Amazon and every shady online retailer trying to imitate them, if you’re not at least making people compete for your dollar, you’re not adulting correctly.

Consider this next time you’re out. Depending on which website you care to get your information from, the average markup on clothing is 115-300%. The average markup on food at a restaurant is 300%. Finally, and this one cuts me deep, the average markup on beer runs from 300-500%. Does that sting a little? It should. I’m not saying it’s wrong to pay these prices because it’s different when you go out, people gotta get paid. However, if you’re the type that eats dinner out most nights and usually has a beer with their meal, you can give me the same $20 you’re giving the restaurant and I’ll make you a burger, a craft beer, deliver it to your door (within the Hennepin County limits, of course) and keep the generous $15 tip, thank you very much. In case you’re wondering, I won’t make you a pair of jeans but I will enlist my grandmother’s help and yes, there will be an upcharge for that.

I’ll pause here to respond to everyone reading this (all five of you) who are thinking “wait, I like going out to eat, it’s how I bond with people”. You’re full of shit. You bond with people by having shared experiences and you’re just too lazy to cook. Next time you really want to “bond” with someone, invite them to your home or apartment with about six other people, get a few bottles of your preferred poison, and get after a recipe none of you has ever tried. You’ll either become friends or die trying. Moving on.

Lest you think it’s all fire and brimstone, I do support overpaying when the situation calls for it. For example, car insurance, most of us never use as much as we pay for but it’s still better than being blindsided by some dumbass on the highway and being left pissing in the wind. Computers. Nothing tickles me more than people that go to any retailer thinking they’re going to haggle down the price of a computer. Markup on tech is typically so close to nothing that you’d be better off selling snow to an eskimo. No, what you should do instead is realize that you can’t run a business on an etch-a-sketch, nut up, and pay full boat for the computer and all the fun shit that comes with it because it’s an investment. Remember how you paid that 300% markup for dinner? The average person spends 20 minutes eating a meal. Compare that to the fact that you’re going to bitch about paying a 10-15% markup on a computer that will last anywhere from 2-4 years and you’ll begin to see things differently. If you really wanna piss yourself off, look up how much it costs Starbucks to make your coffee. But really don’t, just drink it and go on about your life. Coffee is the life-giving elixir that makes rants like this possible and if you need it to keep from murdering someone, do what you gotta do.

Last but not least, let’s get into why I started this website in the first place. How does this apply to marriage, relationships, etc.? Be thrifty as fuck!!!!! With everything. Cut the cord, reduce your phone bill, make a date night out of going to Kohl’s and digging through the clearance rack, everything! There’s no greater financial feeling than paying a price for something that is exactly what you feel it’s worth. It doesn’t matter whether that’s a lot or a little but that you find value in it.

That’s it, that’s all I got for this one. If anyone has specifics they want to share or ideas on saving money, shoot me an email.

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